To become a Muslim, one has to take the shahada, or testimony of faith. This testimony of faith is stated in Arabic and in the language of the convert. It goes like this: I testify that the is no god but Allah and I testify that Prophet Muhammad is the final Messenger of Allah.
To become a Forever-Trumper, the testimony of faith would read something like this: I testify that there is no god but Mammon and I testify that President Trump is Mammon’s final messenger.
There are five pillars of the Islamic faith. They are as follows:
1. The statement of faith, or the shahada.
2. Salah, or prayer, offered five times a day in the direction of Mecca.
3. Zakat, or alms, the obligatory portion of a Muslim’s surplus wealth.
4. Sawm, otherwise known as fasting in Ramadan, and also at other times throughout the year.
5. Completing the Hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca, at least once in a lifetime for all able-bodied men and women as long as they can afford it.
The five pillars of Trumpism are as follows:
1. The statement of faith, namely that ‘there is no god but Mammon and that Trump is Mammon’s final messenger’.
2. Worshipping five times a day at the altar of Trump, in the direction of Mar-a-Lago.
3. Alms for the 1%.
4. Keeping a sound diet of burgers and Coke.
5. Performing the pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago at least once in a lifetime for all able-bodied males, staying in a Trump-owned hotel along the way and in the vicinity of Mar-a-Lago while performing the pilgrimage.
Doing these things will give you the key to Trump’s paradise, ensure eternal salvation for the Forever-Trumper, and ensure the continued enrichment of the messenger’s family here on earth.
© Mark Alexander
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